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It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off. Trust me.

And that's when you met me.

"What... what happened?" You asked. "Where am I?"

"You died," I said, matter-of-factly. No point mincing words.

"There was a...a truck and it was skidding..."

"Yup." I said.

"I... I died?"

"Yup. But don't feel bad about it. Everyone dies." I said.

You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. "What is this place?" You asked.

"Is this the afterlife?"

"More or less," I said.

Are you god?" You asked.

"Yup." I replied. "I'm God."

"My kids... my wife," you said.  "What about them?  Will they be alright?"

"That what I like to see," I said. "You just died and your main concern is for your family. That's good stuff right there."

You looked at me with fascination.  To you, I didn't look like God. I just looked like some man. Some vague authority figure. More of a grammar school teacher then the almighty.

"Don't worry," I said. "They'll be fine.  Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way.

They didn't have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it's any consolation she'll feel very guilty for feeling relieved."

"Oh," you said. "So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?"

"Neither," I said. "You'll be reincarnated."

"Ah, so the Hindus were right."

"All the religions are right in their own way," I said. "Walk with me."  You followed along as we strolled in the void.

"Where are we going?"

"Nowhere in particular," I said. "It's just nice to walk while we talk."

"So whats the point, then?" You asked. "When I get reborn, I'll just be a blank slate right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won't matter."

"Not so!" I said. "You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don't remember them right now."

I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. "Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic then you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It's like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it's hot or cold. You put a tiny part or yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you've gained all the experiences it had.

"You've been a human for the last 34 years, so you haven't stretched out yet and felt the rest of you immense consciousness. If we hung out here for longer, you'd start remembering everything. But there's no point doing that between each life."

"How many times have I been reincarnated, then?"

"Oh lots. Lots and lots. And into lots of different lives." I said. "This time around you'll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 A.D."

"Wait, what?" You stammered. "You're sending me back in time?"

"Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from."

"Where you come from?" You pondered.

"Oh sure!" I explained. "I come from somewhere. Somewhere else.  And there's others like me. I know you'll want to know what it's like there but you honestly wont understand."

"Oh." you said, a little let down. "But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, could I have interacted with myself at some point?"

"Sure. Happens all the time.  And with both lives only aware of their own time span you don't even know it's happening."

"So what's the point of it all?"

"Seriously?" I asked. "Seriously? You're asking me for the meaning of life? Isn't that a little stereotypical?"

"Well it's a reasonable question." you persisted.

I looked in your eyes. "The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature."

"You mean mankind? You want us to mature?"

"No. Just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature, and become a larger and greater intellect."

"Just me? What about everyone else?"

"There is no one else," I said. "In this universe, there's just you.  And me."

You stared blankly at me. "But all the people on earth..."

"All you. Different incarnations of you."

"Wait. I'm everyone!?"

"Now your getting it." I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.

"I'm every human who ever lived?"

"Or who will ever live, yes."

"I'm Abraham Lincoln?"

"And you're John Wilkes Booth, too." I added.

"I'm Hitler?" you said, appalled.

"And you're the millions he killed."

"I'm Jesus?"

"And you're everyone who followed him."

You fell silent.

"Every time you victimized someone," I said, "You were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you've done, you've done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you."

"Why?" You asked me. "Why do all this?"

"Because someday, you will become like me. Because that's what you are. You're one of my kind. You're my child."

"Whoa." you said, incredulous. "You mean I'm a god?"

"No. Not yet. You're a fetus. You're still growing. Once you've lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born."

"So the whole universe," you said. "It's just..."

"An egg of sorts." I answered. "Now it's time for you to move on to your next life." And I sent you on your way.

(nedroidcomics)

Don't forget:  you're supposed to say "twenty-ten," not "two-thousand ten."  It's just easier, and more futurey sounding.

courtesy of Lawrence Yang

Everyone says I should hold off my praise for Obama until he has been in the office for some time.. that we should see how effective he is at actually making good on his promises.  Maybe true, but I am very encouraged by what I see already.

He has already banned lobbyist gifts to executive employees.

“We are here as public servants, and public service is a privilege,” Obama said, addressing his White House staff and Cabinet on his first full day in office. “It’s not about advancing yourself or your corporate clients.”

He's working to reverse the appalling efforts of John Ashcroft to stifle the Freedom of Information Act by issuing a memo saying "in the face of doubt, openness prevails."

All agencies should adopt a presumption in favor of disclosure, in order to renew their commitment to the principles embodied in FOIA, and to usher in a new era of open Government. The presumption of disclosure should be applied to all decisions involving FOIA.

He's issued an order to close the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay.

By ordering shut the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, closing any remaining CIA secret prisons overseas and banning harsh interrogation practices, Obama said he was signaling that the U.S. would confront global violence without sacrificing "our values and our ideals."

"First, I can say without exception or equivocation that the United States will not torture," he said. "Second, we will close the Guantanamo Bay detention camp and determine how to deal with those who have been held there."

That's a pretty good start, if you ask me.  Let's watch him keep it up by tracking Obama's compaign promises.

Please take a moment to read this press release by Krispy Kreme:

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Inc. (NYSE: KKD) is honoring American's sense of pride and freedom of choice on Inauguration Day, by offering a free doughnut of choice to every customer on this historic day, Jan. 20. By doing so, participating Krispy Kreme stores nationwide are making an oath to tasty goodies -- just another reminder of how oh-so-sweet "free" can be.

A normal person reads this and thinks, "Oh cool, I should get me one of them free donuts," or "Huh that's a nice gesture, but I don't care for their artery-clogging sugar rings." 

The American Life League, however, hones in on the "c" word and immediately decides that taking offense is the only reasonable reaction.  What, you didn't see anything offensive about the Krispy Kreme press release ?   Well then, you need to go back to sensitivity training because the word "choice" is now synonymous with baby killing.

Read it here in a news release from the American Life League:

The unfortunate reality of a post Roe v. Wade America is that "choice" is synonymous with abortion access and celebration of 'freedom of choice' is a tacit endorsement of abortion rights on demand.

I had no idea !  I'll remove that word from my vocabulary immediately, so I don't give anyone the wrong idea.  The ALL would also like you to know that the word "the" is extremely derogatory toward women between the ages of 0 and 110, so change your behavior accordingly to appease them.

They generously do allow that Krispy Kreme's hateful baby murdering speech might have been unintentional:

Just an unfortunate choice of words? For the sake of our Wednesday morning doughnut runs, we hope so.

Now that's interesting.  I don't even understand what an "unfortunate abortion access of words" is referring to.

The crazy doesn't stop there:

Celebrating his inauguration with "Freedom of Choice" doughnuts – only two days before the anniversary of the Supreme Court decision to decriminalize abortion – is not only extremely tacky, it's disrespectful and insensitive and makes a mockery of a national tragedy. 

It looks like all future celebrations of any kind must be canceled immediately to avoid being disrespectful and insensitive.  You're going to be hard pressed to find any day of the calendar year that isn't the anniversary of some tragedy, let alone within two days of a tragedy.  Let's see.. on September 21, 1942, Nazis killed 2588 Jews.  Guess I can never celebrate my birthday again.

Anyway, they're setting the criteria for calling something a national tragedy far too low.  The only national tragedy here is that our right to abortion can't be applied retroactively to people who try to invent ways of being offended under any circumstance.

I don't think it's all bad for Krispy Kreme, though.  They're at least getting a bit of extra publicity out of this inane accusation.  As a result of the extra attention, I hear they're even going to extend their free donut offer until 10 AM on Wednesday morning, in what they're now calling the "Morning After" promotion.