April 2005 Archives

Television Is Chewing Gum For The Eyes

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Today kicks off National Turn-Off-Your-TV week.

Just thought I'd point that out.

Now I'm going to watch some South Park reruns.

Someone Else Has Your Great Idea

I've long had this idea for a new alarm clock that would monitor your sleep cycles and wake you up during a cycle that wouldn't leave you grumpy all morning. Unfortunately I never did anything about this idea because

1) I don't know anything about sleep cycles.
2) I don't know anything about brain waves.
3) I don't know how to sell things to people who don't want to wake up grumpy in the morning.

Now someone has already made one of these. Oh well. Back to working my Jump To Conclusions Mat.

(No, I'm not going to buy one).

Kids Today Are Made Of Rice Paper

..soaked in mineral water and then dried out in the desert sun until they are so brittle and fragile that a slight breeze will cause them to perish.

"A [Cincinnati] elementary school was closed after a mercury spill during a science project."

Wow! They must have spilled a 50 gallon vat of mercury or something!

"Officials said someone dropped a thermometer that was part of a project at Holmes Elementary at about 10 a.m."

Back in my day we would have just wiped up the mercury with a napkin and tossed it in the trash can. But these guys evacuate the school like there was a bomb threat from a terrorist group.

Where are we going with all this. I'm surprised kids are allowed to leave a sterilized house without wearing a gas mask and a helmet anymore.

The Origin of the Finger

South Park 501: Scott Tenorman Must Die
I can't get enough of this "Finger in the Chili" thing happening right now. It's really the best thing going on in the news these days. Oh sure, there's the Pope thing, but he's in a better place. And there's the PVS thing, and well, any place she's in is better than laying in a bed for 15 years.

So here we are with our lucky winner of the extra chili ingredient. It should come as no surprise to anybody to find our victim has filed half a dozen lawsuits previously, including one against another restaurant. I think it would have made for a better legal battle to have played this card first. Go for the big money lawsuit right off the line.

Now which of these scenarios is more likely :
a) Someone lost a finger in the chili and no one knew about it.
b) She planted the finger to try to win some money.

Let's even bring statistics into this.
How often do people lose a finger in a food plant or restaurant and nobody knows about it?
How many people, not yet 40, have been involved in 6 lawsuits?

If she's found to be lying she should be forced to eat a finger. Preferably one of her own. She can put chili on it if she likes.

Hitchhiking To a Different Movie

Another film version of the Hitchhiker's Guide is hitting the theaters soon. This news should come from me with much enthusiasm given how I've enjoyed the original works.

Let's see what an early review says.

[...] That's right: as well as losing vast amounts of Douglas Adams' carefully crafted comedy, we are subjected to pisspoor playground jokes like this one. This must count as one of the most gobsmackingly awful, embarrassing and unfunny moments in cinematic history. Either the film-makers have no idea what comedy actually involves, or they momentarily forgot that they were supposed to be aiming at an audience slightly older than the one watching Pooh's Heffalump Movie on the next screen along.

Well, this movie could still be decent.

[...] You just won't believe how vastly, staggeringly, jaw-droppingly bad it is. I mean, you might think that The Phantom Menace was a hopelessly misguided attempt to reinvent a much-loved franchise by people who, though well-intentioned, completely failed to understand what made the original popular -- but that's just peanuts to the Hitchhiker's movie.

Wow... How very disappointing.

The worst part is, I'm sure I'll see the movie anyway. It might be the first time I need to walk early from the big screen.

Read More ... review of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Anakin Dynamite

An awkward apprentice struggles with older Jedis, school elections and idiots ..

If you haven't seen Napoleon Dynamite, go watch that first. Come back when you're done. I'll be waiting.

This film clip is kind of funny. Worth two minutes of your time anyway. clicky

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