June 2005 Archives

With Extra Mustard, Hold The Disease

Some days I really wish I hadn't read the news.

Ann Fisher, the executive director of the AIDS Legal Council of Chicago, estimates that there are 100,000 U.S. food service workers with the illness.

Holy fuck. What, now I have to worry about getting the HIV when the foodservice worker spits in my brocolli cheese soup ? Yeah I know the virus probably isn't transmitted through saliva, but still. At least I'm not a cop and don't receive such treatment regularly.

When I read this, I started digging up statistics on how many people are employed in the country, what percentage of them work in foodservice, and the number of people in the country living with the HIV. The numbers tell us that 5.2% of the American workforce is employed in the foodservice industry, who make up wholly 10% of the Americans that are HIV+. From this I can only jump to the conclusion that frequently handling food causes AIDS. I recommend avoiding food at all costs.

"If everybody with HIV who works in the food service industry didn't show up for work tomorrow, America would starve," she said.

Thanks for the sensationalism. Yes, it will go down in history as The Great American Fast Food Famine. Millions of American citizens dying outside McDonalds because they couldn't get their supersized value meal.

And Justice For All

Everybody's favorite senile old klansman was just convicted of manslaughter charges for his role in a crime committed 41 years ago to the day. Well, yay, Killen is now 80 years old. He looks like he's going to kick the bucket any second now. Take a look at the picture of him in the courtroom at the linked article. He's in a wheelchair and is relying on an oxygen tube to breathe.

Now everyone is declaring a victory for social justice and whatnot. Some victory, the guy has spent more than half of his life as a free man after the incident. I don't even believe Killen will spend a day in prison. He'll more likely live out the rest of his days in a state-funded hospital under elevated supervision.

This is just a PR stunt by the Mississippi courts. "See, we're making things all better by punishing the racist!" I know there isn't a statute of limitations on murder, but at some point you should really consider just letting it go. I hear for the next trial, they're going to dig up some dead klansmen and rough them up a bit, just to show the world that Mississippi is serious about the current legal issues troubling society today.

They didn't get him on the first trial, but in today's political climate, a man named Killen didn't have a chance. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids.


I can't believe I'm linking to a crappy ytmnd video, but here it is.

This is just too funny. Darth Vader finds out what really happened to Padme. Check this out (possibly not safe for work) if you've seen Natalie Portman's other recent movie, Closer. Otherwise it might not be as funny.

For some reason, this other ytmnd video is much more popular. Vader is a contestant on Wheel of Fortune. Clever, that's for sure.

If you have a slow interweb connection, you might have to refresh the page after it finishes loading to get the audio in sync. It only makes sense with the audio.

Michael Jackson Gets Off

The JeffersonsApparently what happens in Neverland, stays in Neverland.

Since everyone else is offering up their opinion, I'll give mine too. I think the guy is innocent (of the kiddie thing, not of producing bad music, which itself should be punishable to an equal extent). I arrived at this using the same reasoning as in the chili case. Which situation is the most likely? Being successful in this country makes you a target for fraudulent lawsuits, whether you're in the entertainment industry, foodservice (Dave Thomas is smiling in his grave right now), or whatever. It's the curse of achieving more than those around you, and the greedy and jealous invent scandal in hopes of a free ride.

This wasn't the first time Jackson was sued for child molestation, and I can't imagine it will be the last. But if someone is going to give it another whirl, they had better come forth with something resembling credible evidence. The only evidence the prosecution had during this trial was that he looked weird. Not exactly a criminal offense.

Regardless, if I were him, and was just exonerated from a crime that I didn't commit, I would place myself as far away as possible from any future risks of indictment. No more persons under the age of 21 allowed in Neverland ranch, background check for a history of lawsuits, and release forms signed in triplicate before you pass thru the turnstile.

Obligatory Joke: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart? He heard boys' pants were half-off!

You Too Can Be An Artist

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City of Dallas PaintingOver the weekend I attended the Dallas City Arts Festival in an attempt to add culture to my life and so I would have something to talk about the next time I go to one of those social events where everyone is standing around discussing the metaphysical symbolism inherent in diverse immanent characters, which occurs in my life approximately once every 84 years at the going rate.

On this day the museums, which otherwise charge some fee to enter, were free to the public. I didn't bother to find out how much admission normally was, but if I knew this information and the total revenue of the museums, I could calculate the number of suckers living in the Dallas metro. Since there was nobody standing at the door of the museum collecting money in exchange for an "Admit One" ticket and a t-shirt that says "I'm pretending to be high-class," I imagine the place drew an entirely different crowd than would normally be in attendance (although the word "crowd" probably only applies on Arts Festival weekend). The regulars with real appreciation for this kind of thing, and thus a willingness to pay for it, were at home stewing on their fine Italian leather upholstered couches praying that the uninitiated don't get their commoner germs all over the fine works of art. Meanwhile I was in the presence of a diverse collection of individuals, some of whom I think were there only for the free air conditioning and would have had an immensely better time at the monster truck rally.

It was suggested to me that I would find classic artwork and sculptures more interesting than the contemporary exhibits that dominated this particular museum. I imagine this is true--creativity that stands the test of time has more credibility. Besides, the modern masses are notoriously bad judges of quality. If you need proof, just browse the prime-time channel line-up in your TV Guide.

Disclaimer: I actually had a good time.

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