Return of the Circus Peanut

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Circus PeanutsI was browsing through the local Minyard's grocery store this noon looking for something to eat for lunch*, because none of my coworkers will go out to restaurants with me anymore after the incident, and I came across something totally unexpected.

You'll never believe what I found. There it was in all of its orange and dimpled lumpy goodness: a bag of Brach's Circus Peanuts.

Now you're certainly thinking to yourself or possibly saying out loud, "big deal" those nasty marshmellowey things are everywhere. And that's almost true. Other brands are found in every grocery, convenience, and inconvenience store in the country. But not the magical brand from Brach's, the company who uses 120% pure Circus in the manufacturing of these candy delights.

The problem is, I'm almost certain that Brach's stopped manufacturing this stuff sometime around 1984 when the FDA declared Circus Peanuts unfit for human consumption, and all remaining inventory was relabeled as pest control.

And there's plenty of credible evidence to support my claim that these particular candies I'm holding are older than my Buick. The package, as you can see in the photo, clearly indicates Circus Peanuts should be soft and chewy. Either this is a cruel joke by the Brach's company to drive up my dental bill when I unsuspectingly bite into one, or these little Peanuts have been absorbing atmospheric contaminants for eons. They're so hard I'm considering selling them to NASA for use in the outer hull of the next space shuttle.

Then there's the layer of dust on the package. I haven't seen this much dust in one place since I was at a movie rental store that had a shelf of Adam Sandler movies.

Finally, I distinctly remember these things tasting good. Or at the very least, not bad. Yeuck.

I think it's wildly irresponsible of Minyard's food stores to sell me this candy. At the very least, the package should contain a Surgeon General's warning like you see on packs of cigarettes. "Consumption of this 'food product' causes an elevated risk of obesity, dementia, and delusions of creative writing ability."

* I settled on a roast beef with swiss sammich from the deli, since you were wondering.

2 Comments

I really like this entry. It reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten about. Growing up, my little sister had such a deep revulsion to Circus Peanuts that the mere sight of them from across the room could give her a seizure. One summer, she went to camp. Right before dropping her off, my parents put a few surprises in her suitcase, good things like Lik M Aid, Nerds and Ring Pops. When my parents weren't looking, I stuck a 1-pound bag of Circus Peanuts in there. (My sister and I had a twisted relationship.) The camp counselor called a few hours later saying my sis had opened her suitcase, let out a blood-curdling scream, and then cried for about half an hour. It was one of my greatest triumphs.

Who is this "Mary Jane?" Mary Jane Rotten Crotch a la Full Metal Jacket?