April 2006 Archives

Woman Tries To Steal House

It takes a special kind of crazy to try to steal a house. The nutjob in this story forged a couple checks worth $63000 and a letter vouching for them from a bank manager as down payment, and walked off with the keys to a third-of-a-million dollar house.

I'm not surprised she got the keys. Who in their right mind would fake something like this ?

She had to know she was going to get caught. This isn't even on the same level as stealing a car or a boat or an mp3. I mean, it's not like the authorities wouldn't know where to find her. All they had to do was go to the address of the place and try not to get sidetracked too many times by Dunkin Donuts on the way. On second thought, how did they catch her ?

Favre Will Return To Packers

After another off-season of wondering whether Brett Favre would return to the Packers, the announcement comes that our quarterback is in. He generated a little heat a couple months ago with his comments that the rest of the team had to show improvement before he would commit, so hopefully this is good news on multiple levels. I don't blame him really, he was seeing a bit of "I" in the word "team" last season.Favre

Good move, Favre. He couldn't end his career after his first and only losing season with the Packers. This will give him an opportunity to restore his good name (or drag it down further). If he had quit now, he might be remembered as just another player. But with another successful season at the close of his career he will be remembered as he should: as one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game.

Much to the delight of those close to me (take that as sarcasm or not), football preseason is less than 4 months away !

Go Pack ! And while we're at it, Boomer Sooner !!

Best Job In America - I Win !


I never would have guessed it, but the experts at CNN Money have declared Software Engineering to be the Best Job in India America. Beating out other such lucrative careers such as toilet scrubber and burger flipper, my occupation climbed squarely to the top.

Since you're too lazy busy uninterested to click through to the article, here's the top ten they named :

  1. Software Engineer
  2. College professor
  3. Financial adviser
  4. Human Resources Manager
  5. Physician assistant
  6. Market research analyst
  7. Computer IT analyst
  8. Real Estate Appraiser
  9. Pharmacist
  10. Psychologist

I'm quite positive they didn't interview me or any of my colleagues when doing this study. In fact, we might have asked these guys if they were running a similar poll for the Most Stressful Jobs in America or Jobs Most Likely To Instill Alcoholism. Then we would go back to day-dreaming about retirement.

I don't agree with their assessment of "Ease of Entry" either. They indicate my profession is a rather difficult one to get into. I'll agree that it takes a bit of study, but companies these days will hire anyone with a college degree, a pocket protector, and a pulse. I was just discussing this with Sofia the other day--the reason why the computer industry is in such sorry shape is because the demand for tech-workers far outstrips the availability of competent applicants. This results in poor output to the point where companies and even individuals (the customer) have to hire a support staff to maintain their appliances known as personal computers. Why we consider this acceptable baffles me. You wouldn't keep so many workers on the payroll to maintain the refrigerators or air-conditioners, so why computers ?

Anyway, the list is bunk anyway. Surely determining the best job in this or any other country is an entirely subjective exercise, but I think we can really do better than this list. I don't want any of those jobs. In my humble opinion, the list of Best Jobs in America would look more like this :

  1. Professional Gambler
  2. Photographer for Penthouse
  3. Astronaut (in 50 years)
  4. Brewmaster
  5. DJ at a Strip Club (tip Tip TIP the ladies!)
  6. Country Music Singer
  7. Professional Driver of Exotic Cars
  8. Director of Public Relations and Outreach
  9. Golfer
  10. Software Engineer (nevermind)

I'm sorry to say your job didn't make the cut. Better luck next year.

What Would You Do With $270 Billion ?


Ever since people started complaining about the War in Iraq (which is to say, ever since the war started), we've had people compiling statistics to show just how costly it has become or potentially could be. One such group of people is the called the National Priorities Project, where they maintain a website called costofwar.com. Here's the counter they provide:

Cost of the War in Iraq
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For the purposes of this entry, I want to focus purely on the monetary aspect of the war, so please excuse me while I don't mention the cost of the human lives lost.

As of this writing, Congress has appropriated around $271,000,000,000 to support the War in Iraq (I'm ignoring the Afghanistan figures).

This is a completely unimaginable amount of money. This exceeds the net worth of the world's richest man by 450%. To think of all the good uses this pile of cash could have been traded for, it's almost sickening that we used it to drop bombs on people.

Although I think it would be impossible for one person to spend this much money in a lifetime, I'm still going to hypothetically try. Here are some of my suggestions for things to buy with this enormous amount of money.

  • 1,800,000 Aston Martin Vanquish cars.
  • 270 billion Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers at Wendys.
  • A new Space Shuttle and two manned trips to the moon, or most of the money needed for a manned trip to Mars.
  • Six space elevators.
  • A vacation home in every city on the planet.
  • Mexico.
  • Enough research to probably find a cure for AIDS, cancer, or gingivitis.
  • 50 nuclear power plants.
  • Millions of acres of farm land and transportation vehicles to eliminate world hunger.
  • Public housing for all the homeless people in the USA, so that bum will stop flashing you through your office window.
  • A tank of gasoline for your car.

Or we could just give it all back, socialist style.

Okay, your turn. What would you do with $270 billion ?

Keeping The Ears Clean

I've been following the recent rash of articles by the editors over at BoingBoing.net on the methods and (un)importance of ear-canal cleaning. Techniques have ranged from the trusty old Q-Tip (with 50% more cotton at the tip!) to more esoteric things such as candling or using bobbypins. Most recently, we had a Otolaryngologist weigh in on the dangers of using anything inside the ear, including cotton swabs, because of the risk of puncturing the eardrum and because it's really a self-cleaning system.

Well I've put a tiny amount of thought into this and decided to continue doing what I do. As anyone who has spent any amount of time in the bathroom with me would know, I have a certain affection for Q-Tips. Swirling the little cotton swabs around in my ears feels good enough I'm convinced it is somehow sinful.

Don't let me overstate what I get out of it; it's just one of those simple pleasures in life. I mean, if a hot girl turned up in my bedroom and asked me to pick between a box of Q-Tips and a box of condoms, I'm not saying I would choose to have clean ears that night. The ears can wait until the morning.

Another Dubious Excuse To Celebrate

I once had one of those "one-a-day" desktop calendars that, with every page torn off for every day of the year, you were presented with the anniversary of something of historical significance that you could use as an excuse to drink. Now I know we're all far beyond needing an excuse to pour cold, frosty, delicious beer into a pint glass and watch the smooth head bubble up from the amber depths while in eager anticipation of consuming the lovingly-crafted ... ummmm, excuse me. I'm at work and I don't get off for another hour. You know how it is.

So tonight we get another event of questionable significance that can be used as an excuse to hit the bar. At exactly 123 seconds after 1:00am tonight, the time and day will be 01:02:03 04/05/06. I know we've all been waiting on the edge of our seats for this moment in time, just like we were for the countdown to Y2K or my birthday last year.

I'm a sucker for once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, so I think I'll be having a shot of whiskey tonight to celebrate. I encourage you to do the same.

July 2017

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