svott.com

Paris for President ?

2008-08-06T03:11:37Z

No, I don't mean we should outsource the presidency to a foreign land like a tech support call center. I mean it just came to my attention that Paris Hilton is running as an independent.

Here is her announcement, in poolside video form. (I'm so glad they don't all do it this way.)

Hilton's platform is one of energy reform, retribution, and vanity. And the last one is the kicker: vote for her because she says she's hot.

Well.. that and the celebrity status could be all she needs to win by a landslide.

Think about how you vote for local elections. You can't judge with any accuracy who would be the best candidate for vice commissioner of the Adopt-a-Highway program, so you just pick any name that sounds vaguely familiar. For most people this voting technique goes all the way up to the Senator level. For a sizable portion of the population it probably extends even to the Executive office.

That's why I think a huge number of people would be marking their ballots like this:

Don't believe me ? How do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected to be the governator of California ? Did the people of LA know that he was any more qualified than the other candidates ? I guarantee you the majority of voters saw the name of a famous actor and based their decision on name-recognition alone. It was a lucky coincidence that he was (and still is) an outstandingly appropriate person for the job.

My point is: we don't require any sort of competency exam for participating in elections. You might say the greatest strength of democracy is also its greatest weakness.

Enjoy the White (err, Pink) House, Paris. I just hope we're not all watering our plants with Brawndo in a few years.

Of course I know the video was a joke. Stop it. And the arrogance here is tongue-in-cheek; I'm not qualified to vote, either.

Water on Mars

2008-08-03T16:48:32Z

Unless you've been living on Mars, you probably know by now that the NASA Phoenix rover found water on Mars recently. Then again, if you're living on Mars, you probably already knew this. Or if you didn't, you must have brought your own water with you, which would have been a smart move.

You'll remember that when Phoenix first landed, photos of the first dig revealed something that looked a lot like ice, which sublimed by the time the next photos were received. This was pretty good evidence of water, but nobody was willing to start planning their next fishing trip to Mars based on that alone.

Then last week, Phoenix was able to scoop up a couple centimeters of Martian regolith and process it in its specially-modified Easy Bake oven for analysis. What it found was even more exciting than just the presence of H2O; Phoenix revealed that the dirt it was sniffing and tasting was remarkably similar to what we have on Earth, at least around Antarctica. The alkalinity of the Martian soil would be well suited for growing asparagus and turnips, both of which are pretty darn good, but I don't think either would qualify as comfort-foods if you were away on a long vacation to Mars.

But wait, there's more: the Martian soil is also very appropriate for supporting a whole host of bacteria, which, just maybe, already lives there. See, this is slightly more interesting than the plant thing because we're pretty sure no fields of asparagus currently exist on Mars.

But wait, there's even more: NASA is currently briefing the White House on an important new discovery--something even more provocative than the discovery of water or familiar dirt on Mars.

What could it be ? Tiny green men that whisper advice into your ear and vanish at annoyingly inconvenient moments ? Robots that want to push (or shove) you down the stairs ?

We can't be sure yet. But just in case, I'm having signs printed that say "I, for one, welcome our new Martian overlords."

Never Ever Ever Talk to the Police

2008-07-30T02:41:31Z

I don't really have a problem with police in general. As in every profession (mine included), there are good ones and there are bad ones. Of course, with police work the bad ones can sometimes result in innocent people meeting an untimely death, whereas in software the worst that usually happens is your spreadsheet crashes and you have to start over on that budget your boss wanted two days ago.

Even still, I avoid the police like they're covered in Chernobyl fallout and olive paste. Just as is success, catastrophe is often about being in the right (or wrong) place at the right (or wrong) time. I don't want to take any unnecessary chances.

Today, Boing Boing linked to a couple videos describing why you should never talk to the police without first consulting a lawyer. That Miranda warning is your best friend if you are "interviewed" by the police. Despite its reputation, it's meant for innocent people. The Miranda warning, which describes the fifth amendment, will help prevent you from inadvertantly and accidentally condemning yourself.

FTA:

Of course, "innocence" is relative. At the very beginning of the video, Prof. Duane addresses the -- literally -- unknowable extent to which federal laws and regulations have grown, so that even the government itself has no idea how many punishable offenses there are. It's very easy for people with clean consciences to admit to violating laws and regulations they never knew existed.

Total runtime is around 45 minutes. It's probably worth watching--the information therein could save your life, quite literally, someday.

NPH Would Do That

2008-07-21T00:56:11Z

I can't stand musicals. They're so drab and artificial; after watching for 15 minutes I start wondering if the frown on my face will be stuck forever. For these reasons and a thousand more, I won't be seeing that new musical now in theaters. You're more likely to see me signing off the Internet, powering down my computers, and throwing them in the trash. And world peace is even more likely than that.

But leave it up to Joss Whedon to make an exception. If you've been around me much, you've probably had to listen to me try to convince you to watch his Firefly TV series.. And for some reason, nobody ever does. Just look at the positive reviews on Amazon, people! It's a western! In space! The most awesome of worlds collide in a brilliant way.

Now Whedon has something new on the table (the Internet table): Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. It's a three-act web series featuring Neil Patrick Harris as Dr. Horrible, a wannabe mad scientist evildoer who video-blogs about his plans for world domination; his application to the Evil League of Evil; his arch-enemy Captain Hammer; and his crush on the cute girl at the local laundromat.

Go watch it now. It's not going to be available online for free much longer. Trust me, it's worth 45 minutes of your life. Watch it.

The Busy Life

2008-07-06T18:40:58Z

In a recent post I suggested that I did not have time for this blog anymore. While that may be true, the lack of time for the hobby is merely a matter of priorities.

You recognize the same thing when planning your day: priorities cause the important stuff to float to the top, and the rest of the drivel sinks to the depths of forgotten negligence. They even get demoted to reduce the guilt of your neglect (it's just drivel, after all).

Thinking about this has caused me to reconsider my use of the word busy. It's easy for me to realize that being busy is an excuse for justifying priorities. One person has certainly chosen different commitments than the next, but in the end we all have twenty-four hours in a day. When you tell someone you're too busy, what you're really saying is that their request didn't make the cut. "My day is booked, and I'm not going to miss my happy hour or my nap or my Star Trek marathon on TBS for you."

It's obvious, I know. It's just more curt the way I say it.

So I've decided not to say I'm busy anymore. I have been taking the opposite approach: I'm telling everyone that I'm absolutely flush with free time. I have so few responsibilities that my life is a textbook example of leisure. It's not true, of course, but it's fun to say. In fact I've noticed that when I tell people this, they get genuinely aggravated or even upset with me. Everyone knows how busy they are, and they want everyone else to suffer the same burden.

Which is funny to me, because how can everyone be so busy when they've seen every episode of Lost and 24 and mastered the hard level of Guitar Hero ?

So we all think we're busy and active because we feel we have to be. I guess it's because you have to act that way or you will feel like you're squandering your life. In some sense, "busy" is a self-aggrandizing word used in place of "occupied."

The promotional folk are keenly aware of the phenomenon, too. Have you noticed how many products are advertised as "perfect for your active lifestyle" ? Just about everyone must identify with that. Even the most slovenly couch-potato can be heard gasping "that's me!" between bites of a Baconator and gulps of Diet Coke. It's universal.

I'd write more, but I have other priorities now. You're probably too busy to leave a comment.

The Second Third Coming

2008-07-01T05:00:29Z

Check it out: I just resurrected most of my blog. It looks kind of like it used to, except I put a new banner at the top from a picture I took at Castello Banfi in Montalcino last week.

I think everything is here again minus the photo gallery. I'm going to start a new one.. a fresh one. I decided against importing all of the old pictures because, honestly, some of them were somewhat inappropriate then and many of them are very inappropriate now. So just as soon as I have photos to post, there will be a gallery. I'll keep the dog pics to a minimum.

Thanks to everyone who kept my feed in your RSS reader through this drought. It's been, what, a billion seconds since my last post? I kind of miss writing here--it was sort of my creative outlet.. and in some ways, my creative inlet (I don't know what that means).

My future posts are guaranteed to contain 20% less sarcasm and 62% more empty promises. And they'll occur 0.05% more frequently than before. How can you resist ? My feed, it's down there in the lower-right. If you click right now, I'll mail you a pony.

What's Going On Here ? [Part two]

2008-02-13T05:15:58Z

It sounds like 2003 all over again. Is svott.com back ? NO ! NO NO NO ! I don't have time for this dribble anymore. But then, why would I have bothered to install the blogging software again.

Since you're here, you must be exceptionally bored. Therefore I can't, in good conscience, leave you empty-handed. Go listen to some fantastically entertaining radio. Thank me later.

Happy Birthday To Me

2007-09-21T17:00:00Z

I'm old !

I'm very pleased with each advancing year. It stems back to when I was forty. I was a bit upset about reaching that milestone, but an older friend consoled me. 'Don't complain about growing old - many, many people do not have that privilege.' -- Earl Warren, Chief Justice

Fine.

Airplanes and Pasta

2007-09-02T21:33:38Z

I was just thinking .. Some months ago, I was sitting in the same uncomfortable airport chair I am sitting in right now, commenting that I was going to be out of the country during Memorial Day. This time, I'll be out of the country during Labor Day. I seem to be in Italy during the American holidays, and in America during the Italian holidays.

Such is life in the big city.

On a slighty related but-not-really note, someone please tell me this is a joke: Angry Italians to go on national pasta strike.

There is just way too much comedy in that.

Consequently, the strike-organisers are prepared for serious withdrawal symptoms. Emergency stands offering free bread and milk will be set up in all major Italian cities for those in need of carbohydrates.

Nahhhh .. really ? REALLY ?

FAIL

2007-08-28T02:48:05Z

Miss Teen South Carolina, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Go watch the video. No, really--you'll be glad you did--it will make your day. Then give her a map and see if she can locate the United States in under 30 minutes. Bonus if she looks down at the ground for clues.

Sheepish admission: If I had to speak in public in front of so many people, her answer would sound like a Winston Churchill speech in comparison to what I would come up with.

Back In My Favorite Timezone

2007-07-23T15:17:01Z

I'm back in Texas !

If you're in the Dallas metro and reading this right now, give me a call and let's get a beer.

Happy Moon Landing Day

2007-07-20T18:12:23Z

Thirty-eight years ago today, mankind realized its greatest engineering achievement in history--perhaps even through today.

Check out some video goodness of the Apollo 11 moon landing, courtesy of National Geographic.

I still kinda get chills when I hear Neil Armstrong's famous line, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Oh, and if you want to argue about whether he forgot a word and screwed up the best quote of all time, I will hit you with a moon rock.

Someday I will check off #7 on my list of things to do before I die: "Walk on the moon." But for now I'll just concentrate on #6: "Learn to do the moonwalk."

Wanna Play Work ?

2007-07-15T20:00:31Z

Wanna Play War ?

2007-07-15T19:44:15Z

Choking back tears, Christian Golczynski accepted the flag from his father's casket.

If you had any support for this War on "whatever," I hope this photo takes it away from you.

Photo link goes to the story at ABC news.

Buick Recovered, Left For Dead

2007-06-26T05:42:49Z

If you read my previous, lengthy entry, you know that the majestic Buick was recently stolen from in front of my house. Although I never made it out of the "denial" stage of grieving (I frequently looked out the window to see if the car had reappeared), I received closure today when the Dallas Police Department phoned me to say they had recovered a beautiful brown Park Avenue--resting only a few thousand feet from whence it was lost.

Of course they did not leave it there. By the time they called me, it had already been towed well outside of town to the impound lot--a place that would more accurately be called an automotive graveyard.

I went to visit my vehicle today to assess the damage.

Upon arrival, I had to wait in one line to prove I owned the car. Then I waited in another line to get documentation on the current whereabouts of the car. Then I waited in another line to get a police officer to take me to the car.

I was nervous when we approached my spot. Would the car be smashed up ? Would it be vandalized ? Would someone have tried to pimp it out ?

No, it was better and worse than that. The driver's side window was smashed in and the rest of the windows were rolled down--and with the recent rain the upholstery was destroyed. The ignition cylinder was thoroughly chewed up, such that the ruined tumblers would not allow the key to turn. The tilting, telescoping steering column was flopping around limp and would not lock in place when extended. The gas cap was off (maybe they siphoned the gas out, who knows). My toolbox was missing, but everything else was still in the car. There was no discernible body damage, minus what I already mentioned.

Given that I couldn't start the car, I had no way of knowing if the thief ruined the engine or transmission.

Getting the car out of impound would have cost $120, plus the cost of towing it to my house or a repair shop, plus extensive repair costs. If I decided to not get it fixed, I would have needed to get it towed again, probably to a junkyard--and I'm not sure if they would have charged me to take the car or paid me for the scrap metal.

I had to make a decision, and given the damage and the unknowns, I decided to walk away. It cost me nothing to give the car up--they're going to auction it in 30 days. I collected my things and didn't look back.

It's a sad day for Buick-kind. That car was in my family for about 23 years. And it served us well.

Tonight I pour out a bottle of 10W30 in remembrance of the mighty Buick.